I hate rules...no really I can't stand
them! In a perfect world, my libertarian fantasy land, everyone just
does as they see fit, no one ever gets hurt, and the world spins in
perfect harmony. Now, I realize that isn't reality, but it doesn't
stop me from having a dream. Still, there is one rule I can't deny,
the rule of the heart. That tricky fist sized organ that works 24/7
from before my birth until the day it does not and then, I am no
more. You would think the heart would have enough to think about,
keeping me alive and such but, alas it also receives the blame for
all my stupid mistakes. My poor ole heart, it really deserves much
better, or does it?
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly corrupt: who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9). I can not count how many times I heard that verse as a kid and my eyes rolled every time. The heart was everything to me, I only measured the potential in life in the potential for expression and fulfillment of my desires, all matters associated with the heart. Yet, I was always told to watch out for my heart and that it could not be trusted. So, naturally, I did what anyone would do, I rebelled.
I didn't want anything to do with God or religion when I left home as an adult. I considered my self spiritual and contently sat on the fence until my mid twenties, when I asked Christ back into my life. Still, even after committing my life to Christ, I did not put any real spiritual standards on whom I would date. That would lead me down some interesting paths, to say the least. When there is no discernment, there is only drama and I got plenty of it. In fact, I struggled with a fair amount of anxiety in the thought of dating another serious Christian. Looking back, my self esteem was very poor and I didn't feel good enough for another Christian. So I would justify my relationships by my intentions, feeling that would be enough to preserve some kind of divine blessing.
It was exactly one Sunday ago that I left church after hearing one of those sermons that kind of stick to me for a while. It galvanized something that I already knew for a while from experience. If I really believe that the most important things I do in my life will be the works that manifest as part of my faith, then that should heavily influence so many aspects of my life including, who I date. It was something I had realized for a while but, I was still adjusting to the reality. It means that dating is now about so much more than mere attraction and compatibility. It will mean less opportunities and it will definitely mean a lot less of the fun stuff, also known to as sex. I had grudgingly accepted this reality in stages, even avoiding dating for a long period in order to dodge the issue completely.
However, now I felt validated and left church feeling confident and strong in my stance on what used to be a big part of my identity. I was holding my head up high knowing that for the first time in my life, I knew not what I wanted but, what I needed out of a relationship. I was proud that the last couple of years of remaining single and unencumbered by romance had lead me to this awesome place. I was free from the insecurities that had me in a place where my value came from counting the weeks since I last "got some". It was obvious that this revelation was not only making me a better servant of Christ, but a better potential mate. A true win-win situation if you would have asked me.
Then the phone rang....
I had my ear buds plugged into my phone listening to music while I folded laundry, when it happened. I heard my ring tone and looked down to see her name flash across the screen. I thought I had deleted her from my phone. I paused and considered not answering and decided that would be childish. This wasn't someone I wanted to avoid from my past, this was someone I really cared about. I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to know what happened and why she had vanished from my life a year and a half ago when everything seemed perfect for us to be together. So, I answered the phone.
My heart began to soften and any resentment I had vanished with her soft words and apologies. I felt like I had found something I lost, something I let slip out of my hands because of my own foolishness that was valuable. I woke up the next day and waiting for me was a text message saying Good Morning. It had been a long time since I had that type of attention and it didn't just feel good, it felt great! I was anxious and excited to see where this was going. I probably did not get much work done as we texted back and forth all day, emoting all kinds of gushy feelings.
It felt like my heart was screaming this was an answer to a prayer, but my mind was quietly saying, "not so fast". It was confusing, as this woman was certainly worthy of my feelings, she was kind, patient, good natured and beautiful. She certainly was a respectable and trustworthy woman and my feelings for her were sincere. I believed and still do, that she was probably the most compatible person I ever dated. We were diplomatic and kind with each other, even during disagreements. The only thing we did not see eye to eye on was Christ. Would I put my Jesus card in the back of my wallet one more time? After all this is for love not lust, certainly Jesus would understand that, right?
I even bargained a bit, I polled her views on church and God again. Surely, if she was reaching out, she knew what I needed, God knew what I needed, right? After a while it became apparent. I was already trying to change her into something she was not. I was simultaneously trying to justify a relationship with someone that had no commitment to Christ or God. This was not going to be a good thing if I kept chasing it. My loneliness was no justification for any of this nonsense. I knew I had to stamp this out in my heart, quickly.
When my heart finally stopped fluttering around and my head came down from the clouds the truth was apparent. A relationship that simply met our earthly needs and desires for approval, attention, and even intimacy would have worked well. But, lacking would be sharing our spiritual lives and journey together. If I hitched my wagon to hers for a day or a lifetime, I would always spend my time with her feeling deeply divided. How could I be so close to someone and not feel constant sorrow that she doesn't have the hope that I do? How could I explain to her my passion and actions that would only make sense to another believer? What games or tricks would come into my head to manipulate her own free will? How would those efforts blow up and destroy our trust in each other or even God not only for me, but her? It became clear that I had to do what I should have done a long time ago. I let her go in my heart once and for all.
God makes promises to us, but he doesn't promise us a relationship. Even inside the church we all too often rush into relationships with the opposite sex feeling there is an implied promise from God, only to feel the sting of disappointment later. So, as long as God is leaving this choice up to me, I owe it to my heart to not let it make the final decision. My tricky ticker simply can not be trusted with this job, it's just too important. So apologizes to my heart but, I won't let you take the blame for this one. Don't worry there will be plenty more opportunities to make me do something silly, I am sure of it.
